Category: 10: Road Trippin’
By Eduardo
The wife and I recently stopped in Weed, CA on our way up to Oregon (no, we did not take our picture next to the freeway sign). We had a lot of road to cover, but around lunchtime decided to stop and chow down on some Taco Bell food. It was pretty crowded, but we ordered our meal and sat down to wait.
As we did, a busload of hungry high school kids arrived. They started streaming in, forming a line until it was nearly out the door. At this point, the drive-thru was a total traffic jam as well. It was as if everyone within a 60 mile radius had been mysteriously drawn to that particular food establishment at the same time.
After about five minutes, I decided to go up to the counter and wait patiently for our food to appear. Another five minutes passed, and I noticed that people who had ordered before me were still waiting. Things weren’t looking good, as I noticed the people behind the counter scurrying around and frantically trying to complete orders. It was a madhouse.
Fifteen minutes in, people were starting to get impatient. There were so many people in there that the crowd noise was getting loud. A handful of us were stationed near the counter, wondering aloud what the problem was. I just wanted my Grilled Stuft Burrito. The store manager was taking orders at the counter, and suddenly one of the girls from the back hurried over to him in a panic.
“We’re out of beef.”
The guy’s eyes grew large. She had said it loud enough for everyone near the counter to hear, and people started turning toward each other with looks of puzzlement and fear.
No beef?!?
What kind of Taco Bell runs out of beef?
Finally, somebody arrived with our food. I brought it back to the table, wondering what kind of “beef” was in it. Thankfully, our food appeared to have been assembled just before it ran out. The whole place was in a semi-panic by that point, and we had a few chuckles listening to the manager trying to explain the situation. As soon as people learned about the beef shortage, they started leaving. After all, a Taco Bell without beef is kind of like IHOP without pancakes.
By Eduardo
Mrs. Eduardo and I are currently traveling with my folks on our first trip to New England. I’ve been through these parts on business before, but this is my first vacation here. It’s pretty neat so far, even though we just arrived a few hours ago. I’m posting this from the place we’re staying tonight, a motel in Sanford, Maine. We just had a pretty wack experience, one I’m compelled to share.
First, though, a little introduction. My dad, being very familiar with this area, took care of almost all the travel and lodging plans for this trip. We started off in New Hampshire and will be making our way up into northern Maine over the next week and a half, so our first night is sort of a stopping point before the main part of the trip. Since the place we’re staying later in the week is pretty cool, he decided to find an “cheap but clean” place for us all to stay on our first night here. As for myself, I’ve learned the hard way why you should avoid such places, but hey – my dad’s calling the shots this time. I trust him, and one night in a budget motel won’t hurt. I think.
After a very long plane ride and some misinterpretation of the directions Google Maps gave us, we arrived at the Sanford Inn around 10:30 PM (Eastern Time). My dad had made reservations weeks beforehand, and even notified the management that we might be arriving a little later in the evening.
We were relieved to see the office still open when we pulled up. He and I went in to get everything squared way, but found nobody was at the front desk. We rang the bell, and waited. A few seconds later the owner appeared, a visibly angry little East Indian guy. In broken English, he loudly scolded us for being late – and complained that my dad hadn’t turned his cell phone on:
“You are not using the mobile phone, huh? I left you, uhh, you know… ehh… messages. We close down the place, it’s late you know!”
The fact that it was only 10:30, and that there was a giant, red illuminated ‘OPEN’ sign right next to the door made the guy’s attitude all the more absurd. My dad, who has an incredible tolerance for difficult people, calmly apologized and politely reminded him that we’d told him beforehand that we might be a little late.
“I’m sorry; I actually told you that we might be arriving a bit late this evening.”
“Ehh… You come late, you can lose money, you know… You sleep in the car!“
I couldn’t believe that the owner of the place was treating us like this. We were very close to giving him the finger and finding another place to stay, but also knew that every other place within 20 miles was booked up for a big NASCAR event in the area. If we walked out, we probably would indeed have to sleep in the car as the guy had suggested.I wasn’t sure who to be more angry at – this guy, or NASCAR. My dad, slow to anger, was now ticked.
“Hey look, guy – we did the best we could. We told you we might be late.”
“I try, I try, you know… People come in late, you don’t call. Okay, please fill out dees form.”
Scowling, my dad filled out the form and we handed the guy our credit cards. I just stood there, upset that we were giving money to someone who desperately needed a punch in the mouth. After the guy grumbled a bit more, he calmed down and eventually became somewhat closer to ‘courteous’. We checked in, and all went to our rooms.
For what it’s worth, they’re not bad. We could have done a lot worse, so score one for my dad. As for Bobby Punjabi and his ill-tempered rant, I’m going to drop a review of this place on TripAdvisor as soon as I have time.
By Jaimenacho
THE PLAN: Take my wife, 2 kids, and dog camping for 3 nights. We all had the time off, and we hadn’t done anything together as an “entire” family unit. (By “entire”, I mean the dog is included.)
WHAT TRANSPIRED: On July 12th I called a few places on the coast looking for a camping spot for the 19th…I called Patrick’s Point State Park, a very beautiful, and very popular camping destination north of Eureka. This place is typically ALWAYS full. Under ideal circumstances you have to reserve your space 6 months ahead of time. I decided to call them up, and just check.
WOW.
There were 27 spots available as of 2:30pm. This looks good. The lady at the kiosk said they had been very slow, and she didn’t think they’d fill up that day.
WOW.
I told her I had the car loaded (which I didn’t) and was leaving at about 3pm, and did she think she’d have any spots. She said, she couldn’t hold one for me, but she thought there’d be a few left.
Forget the 19th, we’re going today.
I called my wife, and said, “Hurry, home, we’re going camping tonight at Patrick’s Point.”
She was a little surprised, but excited because she loves that place, understands the difficulty of getting in, and we’d been wanting to go as a family for awhile. She agreed.
In the time before she got home, I managed to pack the truck in a manor that any professional mover would have been proud of. I loaded all the available camping food we had in the ice chest, the tent, the cots, the chairs, baby stuff, dog stuff, everything in the van. My wife got home; we finished some minor packing and hit the road at about 3:30.
We were making pretty good time on the way over. I was driving, and know the road well from years of driving it myself. It’s one of the few roads I actually drive at a decent speed. Driving this way tends to upset my wife’s stomach; she gets carsick. I said I’d stop at the next rest area, so we could relax a bit, get the dog a rest, and use the facilities. I also said she could drive, to alleviate the motion sickness.
My wife usually drives very fast. I figured we wouldn’t be losing any time by switching drivers. Apparently curving roads at high altitudes make my wife go from driving like Mario Andretti to driving like a 90 year old women. She was going way too slow. She was going so slowly, leaves were passing us. I finally insisted we stop at the next rest stop so we could feed the baby, give the dog a rest, and switch drivers again.
She agreed and we stopped just east of Willow Creek. We fed the baby, and let the dog do his business. We switched drivers then decided to get a move on, it was getting late, and we really wanted to make sure we’d get a spot.
I took over the reigns again and tried to make up for lost time. I was driving more offensively than defensively to put it plainly. I was accelerating out of turns, cutting corners when safe, and going for the gusto. This I guess didn’t set well with our 7 month old. The next thing I knew he was doing his best at trying to cover our entire back seat in bright orange vomit.
“OH MY GOD THE BABY’S PUKING!!! PULL OVER!!!” my wife was screaming.
Quickly I peered into the back noticed projectile vomit and found a place to pull over. We took the baby out of the car, stripped his puke-covered clothes off, and tried to remove anything else that had been touched by the bright orange fluid. 20 minutes and 45 baby wipes later we were back on the trail, only at a considerably slower rate.
Finally about 7:45 we got to the campground.
Once there, we discovered there weren’t any available campsites. We had tinkered with the idea earlier that if there weren’t any spots when we arrived, we’d get a hotel for one night, then get a spot when one opened up in the morning. We took a second trip around the campground, and discovered a spot where they were doing some construction. The sites all seemed to be fine for camping, they just didn’t have the restrooms, or showers nearby like the others did.
We decided we’d take one of these spots, and make do in it, until morning, and then we’d be right there to grab another, better spot as one opened in the morning…plus we’d save the $60 on a hotel room.
We pulled into the spot and set to work trying to get camp set up before nightfall set in. Getting camp set up was a bit of a chore. We had to tie the dog up to a tree first off, which didn’t make him happy, and then he and my 3 year old kept getting tied up together in his leash. This made my son distraught that he couldn’t move, and it made the dog freaked, because he was tied to something that wouldn’t stop screaming. This happened on several occasions.
The tent was bigger than one person could handle alone, so we had to find a spot for our starving baby to sit while we set up the tent. All of this proved to be a little more than all of our nerves could handle, and we all began to bicker with one another. We yelled at each other, the dog, the kids, anyone was fair game.
Finally camp got set up.
We took inventory, and realized we had to make some decisions; The baby needed eat, and we couldn’t find his bottle anywhere…we assumed we’d left it on the side of the road after he lost his dinner. We needed some firewood, or else we wouldn’t be eating, and we’d get pretty cold. We needed a few other food items as well. A trip to the store was going to take at least 45 minutes, and it was now dark. My wife was moving for us getting a hotel, and I was still pushing towards toughing out the camping trip. (getting a hotel would signal defeat as far as I was concerned) We finally decided to just go get the stuff, hurry back, to get our camping experience going. So we packed up the entire family and headed to Trinidad 5 miles away to get some groceries…it was now 9:30pm.
Thank God Ray’s was still open. We went in and overpaid for a lot of food that we might not have really needed, we got a bottle, but it had the wrong kind of nipple on it. We paid $24 for some firewood, and $6 for a giant match that we could light our lanterns, stoves, and fires with. Like a good consumer I tried the lighter before I bought it, and it worked nicely in the store, too bad that’d be the last time it worked.
Finally about 10:30 we returned to the campsite, and got the baby a bottle. We struggled mightily to get a fire going with the few matches I had in my bag. Eventually though we got a flame that lasted, and we could relax…
The baby went to bed shortly after the fire was made, and we set to the task of getting some dinner in our bellies. (At almost 11pm) We roasted some hot dogs, and made some hot chocolate. The whole time we were eating the dog was roped up where he wouldn’t harass us, which didn’t make him very happy, he whined a little, which woke the baby up, which annoyed my wife, which caused her to get grumpy with me and my 3 year old, which in turn caused me to get grumpy too.
Finally we decided it was done, we WERE NOT camping anymore and we were getting a hotel, then going home in the morning.
So at 11:20 at night I proceeded to pack the entire camp up, with only a flashlight at my disposal (the lanterns had gone dead) taking a huge tent down by yourself, with a flash light in your mouth is NOT easy, nor is it fun. I did it though, and eventually at about 12:40 we were on our way to a hotel. We settled on the Patrick’s Point Inn, about 2 miles away from the campground. We paid $70 for a room with two bedrooms, and a small kitchen. It was a hefty price for a nights sleep, but at this point we were all fried, and we needed it. We figured the boys had had a long night, and would at least sleep in until 9 in the morning.
5am came, and the boys were ready to be awake. My wife and I were not. We of course had to get up anyway. I took the dog for a walk, to let him relieve himself, and we loaded the kids up, and hit the road. We still needed to stop at the store AGAIN. We had to find a baby bottle with the right kind of nipple, I needed some coffee, and we thought some baby Dramamine might be nice. We stopped at a larger Ray’s supermarket in Arcata, on our way out. We went inside and put the boys in shopping carts, and went to get the few things we needed.
I had my 3-year old, Bernardo in my cart with me.
“I don’t feel good dad”, he said.
Bernardo tends to exaggerate a little, and be a bit over dramatic at times in places he doesn’t like to be, like a shopping cart.
“You’re not sick…knock it off” I told him, “You’re fine.”
“NO. I don’t feeel goood.” He whined…looking kind of pale
“Bernardo, KNOCK IT OFF…YOU ARE FINE!! We’ll be done soon..”
I turned to look at something in the aisle, and turned back to see Bernardo heaving his dinner, and whatever else was in his stomach all over aisle 8.
“OOOOOH man” I said…I felt really bad for not listening to him, but I learned a lesson anyway. My wife had gone to get a bag for him to chuke in, and the man behind the counter hadn’t seemed too interested to help her, so she didn’t get the bag in time…after the floor was covered in sick, he felt bad too about not listening to my wife’s needs and cleaned up the mess. I did offer to clean it up, but the guy happily insisted he’d do it.
We got the coffee, and the Dramamine (for everyone but the baby) and a new nipple, and headed for home.
Thankfully, other than a few minor traffic delays we got home without any further incident.
I unloaded the car, and we decided that the trip was a learning experience for us. We learned our family isn’t grown up enough yet to camp as a collective unit. The dog was the best behaved member of the trip.
Later that evening after al the hub-bub had calmed down, I got my paybacks for not believing my son’s story of being ill. I got the same thing he had only 20 times worse. I spent the next 8 hours in a hell somewhere between heaving my guts out, and trying to fall asleep with a horrible fever.
Overall it was a horrible experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it goes to show you; when you think things can’t get worse…they can. When you think the worst is over, it might not be, and when your 3-year old son says he feels sick…find a restroom.
By Paco
Jaime and I had so much fun on the SW trip, that we decided to tag along with my parents the next year. They planned a trip to Wyoming to see the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone. So Jaime and I jumped in the folks white Jeep and followed behind the motorhome. The trip was innocent enough at first, the grand finale was were the funny stuff lies…
RENO Baby!
The first stop was Reno. I was finally 21, and able to enjoy all the vices of Nevada. So Jaimenacho and I hit the ground running and drove out to Virginia Street to do some gambling. (We were staying out at the Reno Hilton) I remember at one point Jaime and I were playing slots, he was a few rows down from me at a point where I couldn’t see him. I played something like $20 and lost quickly and then went looking for Jaime.
There he sat at a machine, a “Double Black Tie” quarter machine. He was just sitting there not playing.
“What are you doing Jaime?”
“Look!”
He had some crazy payoff… 3 black ties, one a double, or something like that.
“The machine ran out of quarters”
“Nice!”
When the guy came back to fill up the machine, I think it stopped paying Jaime after 900 quarters. So Jaime was stoked. He had over $200 in winnings, that would easily get him through the week long trip.
The next day we took of through the desert of Nevada eastward. We stopped every now and then to meet me parents. I one point we stopped at some truck stop, Jaime put a few quarters in a machine and won $20 or so. He was on FIRE.
Once we got near the end of Nevada, we headed north to Idaho, and Twin Falls. The last stop in Nevada is one of those border towns. This one is Jackpot Nevada. Their wouldn’t be anything in this town if it wasn’t for gambling. It is strange, you drive for a least an hour through absolutely NOTHING. Then, all of a sudden, there are some decent sized casinos right before the Idaho border.
Jaime and I decided to stop and play for just a little bit before we were to leave the Silver State. We went to one little casino and blew a few bucks, then decided to check out “Cactus Pete’s”. Jaime and I blew a few bucks on some machines, I think I won $10 on a machine. And then we decided to leave, but we would each put $5 in a dollar machine and share the winnings. 2 pulls into our Red, White and Blue machine we hit $100! Booooo yaw. I now had a little more spending money, and Jaime continued his lucky streak.
So off we went to Twin Falls.
Idaho Smells Like Potatos (according to Jaime)
Welcome to Idaho. Jaime kept commenting upon arrival that it smelled like potatos… I guess so. He also made up a song…
“Smells like Potatos… smells like potatos… Idado smells like potatos”
Once we got our little campsite set up next to the Minnie Whinnie, Jaime and I decided to go see what the night life was all about in Twin Falls.
We found the one bar that looked crowded. It looked like a total cowboy bar, but what do you expect? So we waltz in. It was probably pretty obvious that we were Cali Kids when we entered. Even though people were kinda staring at us we didn’t care. We just walked up to the bar, flashed our id’s, and purchased a pitcher of Weinhardt Red. (good old Weiny Red!) It was a weird scene in there. There was the interesting cover band playing. They played everything from country to Pearl Jam… only in Idaho I guess.
So we drank our beer, and took off. I think before we went back to our campsite we decided to skate at the local mall. Then we went to bed.
Welcome to the West and the Wyoming Windshield
Jaime and I took of the next day toward Idaho. We decided to go a seperate route than my parents. We were going to meet them in Yellowstone, we just wanted to try something different. So off we went…
At one point in the drive Jaime and I started to ponder things that little kids say when talking about the parents…
“My dad was born before they invented water!”
Or something like that… Jaime can elaborate.
Eventually we rolled in Wyoming. And then into the Tetons. It was pretty cool, we just drove through stopping a few times to photograph and / or skate. Towards the end of the drive through the park, we encountered a stretch of road that was covered with gravel. I guess they were doing work to the road, but all the work that had been done was a nice layer of small rocks. There were large signs everywhere stating… “Speed Limit 30″ and “No Passing”. Traffic moved slow, and understandable slow through the gravel lined road. All of a sudden, a corvette came racing by, passing everyone. He proceeded to spray rocks all over our windshield causes 3 different cracks and chips. I was pissed. And I spent the next 15 minutes cursing about the jerk in corvette.
When Jaime and I reached the exit, I decided to let the ranger know what had happened.
“How was your trip to the Tetons?” the goofy looking Mrs. Ranger said.
“It was great until some guy sprayed rocks on my windshield, you may want to have somebody patrol back there where the rocks are.”
“Oh… well that’s what happens when you come out west.”
“That’s interesting, I actually drove EAST to get here.”
“I’m sorry, everyone in Wyoming has one, we call it a “Wyoming Windshield”.
“Great…” and I drove off.
In California I guess we like to keep our roads paved and our windshields intact.
Yellowstone
Yellowstone was pretty cool. We saw Buffalos, and people that got way to close to them. We saw a moose. Had a beer at Old Faithful. And finally upon leaving Yellowstone a couple days later saw a bear.
But after a few days there we kinda saw everyting we wanted to see. (In retrospect, I could have spent many of days there… I have more interest in the outdoors… not to say I didn’t have any then… but I was 21)
So we told my parents that we were going to drive to Seattle to see Guillermo. I think there were a little miffed. And they kinda had a right to be, we were taking THEIR car, and they wouldn’t have any car to get around in any more. But they were cool about it, and let us go.
The Longest Drive
So Jaime and I hit the road early. I drove for a couple of hours, then turned the wheel over to Jaime. We drove and drove and drove… Jaime continued to drive. I would offer to drive, and Jaime would refuse. The plan was to drive to Spokane, which was about 7 hours away, stay there, then cruise into Seattle next day. Well Jaime got a wild hair, and decided he was going to drive ALL the way to Seattle. I said I didn’t want to drive that far, but if he wanted to, he could be my guest.
When we hit Spokane, we kept right on driving. Eventually we got to the middle of Washington. Which is a lot like the middle of Nevada. There is nothing there. We stopped at the one decent sized town, Moses Lake to get gas. I remember popping the hood open, and checking the oil while Jaime went inside to whiz or something.
Jaime came running out of the store a few minutes later…
“Oooh! There is a kid in there that looks like an alien!”
“WHAT?!?!?”
“Look!” Jaime pointed towards the window, and sure enough. There was this big dopey looking white kid that looked like an alien. Actually he looked more like an oversized white version of Sam Cassell… but I guess that is close enough. He was funky looking.
I think my response was something like…
“I guess that’s how they grow them here in Moses Lake.”
So Jaime jumped in the car to continue his maddening journey onward to Seattle. I wasn’t 30 seconds into his acceleration onto I-90 that suddenly the hood flew up in front our face!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Jaime screamed!
“CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!” I screamed!
When we pulled over I looked at the damage. I could barely close the hood, now I had both a Wyoming Windshield and a Moses Lake / Paco Hood on my Mom’s Jeep.
GREAT!
Well… wasn’t much to do now. I just let Jaime continue the march onward.
About 3 hours later we rolled into the eastside burbs of Seattle. And we parked at some mall in Bellevue. In retrospect, I think it was the Galleria. So Jaime and I called Guillermo…
“Hey Guillermo! Where are you? We are almost in Seattle!”
“Ohhh… I am still in Redding.”
“WHAT!?!?!?”
“Yeah I got delayed…” (I don’t recall the reason why.)
“Oh crap… well I guess we will just get a hotel and see you some other time.”
Well… now the madness was about to begin.
Jaime and I tried to check into the first hotel we came across.
NO VACANCY
We tried a couple more in Bellevue…
NO VACANCY
Jaime then thought… well, we can drive South, we will probably find one near the airport.
I think by the 3rd one on I-5 we were informed by one of the hotel keepers.
“You probably won’t find a hotel for a while…”
Jaime persisted onward…
NO VACANCY
NO VACANCY
NO VACANCY…
Right around Olympia I started to fall asleep…
“Just pull over Jaime… I can’t stay awake… it’s 1 AM!”
“I’ll FIND a place.”
He was a man possessed. Or just insane from driving SO many hours.
Eventually Jaime got me up…
“Hey I got us a hotel.”
“Where are we???”
“Salem.”
“What time is it?!?!”
“4:00… we can stay here until 11″
“Ok… let’s go to bed.”
The next day Jaime let loose after his marathon drive. And it is a story only he can tell. Well… I guess a lot of it I will probably have to tell too.
By Jaimenacho
Paco summed up the essence of the Southwest trip. I’ll try and help fill in some holes, and elaborate.
1) I was in D.C. for several weeks. I was staying with a friend, as Paco had mentioned. Her father told me I needed to get a job. It was understandable, freeloading doesn’t set well with anyone, me included. The problem was, by the time I got to D.C. it was June, and all the summer jobs had been taken. I spent hours looking for jobs, and found nothing. Eventually, I got sick of freeloading, and wanted to go home. One particular evening when I was highly disgruntled with my situation, I called Paco to bitch and moan.
“I’m coming home.”
“When?”
“ASAP…”
“We’re leaving for the southwest trip this week, that’d be rad if you could get back and come with us.”
“Where are you going?”
“Bryce canyon, Zion, Vegas, Grand Canyon…”
“My return ticket actually has a plane switch in Las Vegas, maybe I could move my departure date up, and meet you in Vegas.”
Paco checked with his parents, and I called the airline and switched my flight. Before long the plan was set. I would fly into Las Vegas, and he’d pick me up, and we’d go tour the lovely Southwest United States.
I flew from National Airport, to Las Vegas International, arriving about 8:30pm.
When I exited the plane it was like stepping into another world. Slot machines were chiming from every corner, people were coming in and out of planes from multiple gates. It was totally chaotic. I looked for Paco amidst the sea of people. I couldn’t find him. I waited, and waited…no luck. Finally, I went and claimed my baggage. I was just starting to think. “Crap, I might have just gotten off the plane, and gotten myself stuck in Vegas with no way home…what if he doesn’t come?” When I noticed Paco.
We got in his grandma’s old car, and took off for the Circus Circus RV Park.
In the morning we left for Zion.
1) In Zion we walked all over this creek bed. At one point Paco and I jumped into this pool of VERY cold water. I’m not sure why we did it. I think it was a test of manhood or something. I’m sure it had something to do with the fact it was about 100 degrees that day.
2) We went wandering in another creek. The sides, and floors of this creek bed were extremely slippery. You couls hardly take 3 steps without falling. I slipped several times, and bruised my tailbone. It wasn’t fun. Farther down the creek bed Paco noticed something.
“Hey, there’s someone or something up on that rock?”
“Yeah…I think you’re right.”
“Is that a person? I can’t tell.” he said squinting
When we got closer we could see it was a person… A man… A NAKED man.
Honestly, I’ve never felt comfortable around naked men, especially ones who are comfortable with turning their skin into leather under the hot sun, on top of rocks. Paco wasn’t comfortable around them either, so we made quick work of getting out of there.
3) Marco was the slowest milkshake drinker alive in the world at that time. He brought the pain upon himself. There were people that started drinking milkshakes the next day who finished before him.
4) We found this “slot canyon” in a tourist book. It was located at mile marker 134 or something. We drove the car there, parked on the side of the highway, got out, climbed a fence, then walked on Navajo Nation land until we found it. The canyon was AWESOME. We explored it, and took photos for about an hour or two. On our way out we saw some Navajo, they didn’t seem very happy with us being on their land. They referred to us as “Milk” I assume because we were white, not because we were delicious with cookies.
5) Laying out under the stars at the Grand Canyon was remarkable. I’ve never seen that many stars before, or since.
6) What happened in Vegas the second time is worth it’s own story.
7) We stopped at Mono Lake on the way to Bodie, and it was very cool except for the billions of flies everywhere. That was totally disgusting.
8) One afternoon, on a particularly long stretch of highway, Paco and I discussed two possible frightening hallucinations you might have on a stretch of highway like this..
Hallucination #1
The road in front of you is blurred by the heat emanating off the pavement. The temperature, and lack of air conditioning is causing is to sweat. The soothing noise of tires rumbling on the highway practically lulls you to sleep. Just as you nod out of consciousness you notice a bolt of green flash past your front right bumper.
THUDD-DD-DDT
You ran something over.
Now fully awake you pull over to the side of the road, and get out to check. Behind your car about 20 yards back, lying motionless in the middle of the lane is a 2 foot long mass of green. Perplexed, you walk towards it for closer examination. Nearing the object you can see the rise and fall of its chest.
Whatever it is, it’s still alive…barely.
When you get right up to it you notice…you’ve run over Kermit the Frog. Shocked, you stand over him, looking down, watching his struggle for breath. A wheezing noise is coming from his gaping mouth.
He’s trying to communicate.
You get closer.
Shooooot….me….” he rasps
You just stare. He continues.
“Shooooooot…….ME…..”
“SHOOOOOOOT…..ME
This is like Full Metal Jacket you think to yourself. Then you notice you’re carrying a 45 magnum, and it’s loaded.
“Shoooooooot……..ME…….”You can’t just let Kermit suffer, can you?
“SHOOOOOOOT…….MEEEEEE…..”He’s Kermit the Frog! Children love him…you can’t end his life! He might be able to be taken to a vet, or something.
“SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOT……….ME……”
It’s obvious. You’re miles from any form of help, he’d never make it. You have to put him out of his misery. You take the pistol and lower it to his quivering skull. He looks at you glassy eyed, longing to be free from pain. Just as you touch the end of the revolver to his head you here the word.
“no.”
You turn and look, and there is a child there…watching. Your eyes scan your surroundings and you see another child, then another, and another. You’re surrounded by small children, all ready to watch you end the life of their favorite TV Muppet. Kermit isn’t helping matters, his wheezing voice is growing louder, and more impatient.
“SHOOOOOOOOOOOOT…..ME……….”
His green felt body is writhing with the pain of lying on the scorching asphalt. You place the gun back at his skull.
“NO!”
Tears are starting to roll down the cheeks of the children.
Hallucination #2
You’re driving down the same stretch of road. There is nothing but minor hills full of sage brush, Joshua trees, and tumble weeds. You’re scanning the roadside when you notice something running over one of the hills towards you. You stop your car to see what it is. It looks human. You squint, to try and discern what is running through this wasteland.
It’s a small child.
Strangely, he’s not wearing anything but underwear. His underwear is tattered, and dirty. He’s obviously been out in the desert for quite a while. You open the door, to get out. He probably needs your help. As you move to the other side of the car you notice another figure coming over the hill…CHASING the boy.
The figure is shirtless, and his skin is so white it almost glows. You can no hear the whimpers of the boy, he’s only about 100 yards from your vehicle. You hear the faint growls and grunts of the figure chasing him. It’s then you notice the figures flaming red hair.
Wow you think, the last time I saw hair this red it was on Ronald McD-
Oh No..It isn’t?….Is it?
You look closer.
You can see the snarled face of one Ronald McDonald. His white skin beaded with sweat. His hair is matted, and his red face make-up is starting to streak in the hot sun. He is wearing dirty blue jeans, and gaining ground on his young victim.
“NO NO NO HELP!!!” you hear the boy cry.
Wow you never noticed Ronald had red chest hair as well. This is truly disturbing. Just as Ronald is about to grasp hold of the boy,and you’re forced to make a decision, you snap awake, realizing you’ve dozed off at the wheel again.
These are things you might see driving in the southwest.
Overall the trip was very fun. Even if I’m haunted by visions of Ronald McDonald running semi-clothed in the desert.
By Fernando
By far the weirdest town I ever experienced was Canby, California at 2:00 AM. The decision on New Year’s for 2001 was Reno. Paco was having his breif stint living in Portland at the time, so we decided to drive, with my girlfriend at the time from Portland after work to Reno – ETA Reno 4:00 AM the next day. We got a good start out of Portland and ate dinner at some random mexican restaurant in Albany later that evening. We decided to cross over the Cascades East of Eugene – I was driving at that point, and it was a harrowing experience, driving the girlfriend’s car up a very windy, steep, icy and snowy pass with no traction. We got over the pass and headed to 97 to get to the Klam (Klamath Falls). We hit the Klam at just past midnight and headed southwest, deciding that the open, lonely road through the hinterlands of northeast California would provide the quickest route. About 2:00 I think we hit the outskirts of Canby. I had never drove through Canby before – small town in the middle freaking nowhere. Paco slowely entered the town and on the right was a giant, life size, illuminiated nativity seen. OK, that’s kind of cool for a town to do, we muttered. Then, on our right, was another. Then, on our left was another giant, lit up, slightly different interpretation of figures, environment and apparell for the night Jesus was born. Then another. Then ANOTHER. By then it was getting just downright eeerie. The town was totally dead, nothing there, nothing going on, but there must have been a dozen or so giant nativity seens – it was like some sort of holiday competition that had gone totally wrong and out of control. We exited the city limits somewhat bewildered and freaked out as Paco hit the gas and entered the vast emptiness between Canby and Alturas and the even more vast emptiness between Alturas and Reno. I think we rolled into Reno at about 4:00. Since we could not check into our cardboard box sleeping arangement at the casino until later in the day, we proceeded to gamble, and drink – the start of a New Year’s Weekend where I had an awful case of insomnia (4 hours of sleep over 72 hours.
By Paco
It was the summer of 1994. It was a summer of a lot of traveling for Jaime and myself. We started the summer with a trip to the East Coast. This involved travel to New York City, Philly, and Baltimore. That trip will have to be discussed at a later date under another topic. As it had its share of funny stories too…
Jaime had decided that he was going to stay behind after our trip with his friend in Washington D.C. for the rest of the summer. So, we parted ways, I went home from Baltimore, and he went on to D.C.
A few weeks past, and I was getting ready to go with my parents on a road trip to the Southwest. They were going to Las Vegas, Zion, Bryce, and the Grand Canyon. All places I had never gone, so I told them I would love to follow behind their motor home in a car. They agreed, and we got ready to go.
A few days before the trip I received a phone call from Mr. Nacho…
“Hey Paco!”
“Hey Jaime, how’s DC?”
“It sucks, I can’t get a job, and the people I am staying with aren’t being that cool what are you doing?”
“I’m actually going to go to the Southwest with my parents in a few days.”
“That’s cool… I am actually thinking about coming home.”
“When???”
“Soon… as soon as I can.”
“Well you should come back now, and go on the road trip with us.”
“Could I? That would be cool!”
“I don’t see why not…”
“Ok, let me see if I can change my ticket. I’ll call you back…”
“Ok, I’ll tell my parents, I am sure they won’t care.”
So, I went and told my folks, they said that would be great.
And a little bit later, Jaime called back, he had indeed changed his ticket, and he was now flying into Vegas the night we were going to be there. Rock On!
So a few days later, we hit the road. It was my Grandmother, Aunt, Folks, and my little bro Marco. We stayed the first night at this goofy trailer park in Bakersfield. The next day we hit the road to the bright lights of Vegas.
I was riding with my little bro, and I had the most unpleasant bathroom experience maybe ever. The road to Vegas from Bakersfield is a completely dead road, you just drive through crap towns like Barstow every 30 miles or so, with absolutely NOTHING in between. I remember at one point when I was driving with Marco, I had to use a facility really badly. So, when I saw the next rest area I pulled over. It was by far, the WORST rest area I ever visited. I don’t know if anyone could get any “rest” done there. For one, it was SUPER hot outside, Redding style hot, over 100 degrees. The bathroom looked like somebody dropped a crap bomb in there, there was crap EVERYWHERE, and flies to boot. I don’t know how I managed to flush the toilet, but I did, and then hovered above the can until I was relieved enough to hold me over until the next town. It was FOUL.
Once we got to Vegas It was pretty cool. (not temp wise…) We stayed at the Circus Circus RV Park. And even though I couldn’t really enjoy the vices that are Vegas since I was 20, I still had fun just looking around the city.
So I did some hanging out with my little brother and my parents, I tried to gamble a little bit, but was kind of leery about it, so I pretty much stuck to just seeing the sights.
Eventually the evening rolled around, and it was time to go pick up Jaime at the airport. So, I cruised out there and looked around for Jaime. Anyone who has been to the Vegas airport knows that it is a pretty massive one. And it is kind of strange. Everything is linked on a monorail tram system. So once you are in the main hub, you look at the monitors, figure out which terminal you need to be in, and then you just jump on the tram that takes you out to where you need to be.
I was running a little late when I got there, so I glanced up at a screen, saw what I thought I needed, and jumped on a tram. Before I knew it, I was standing in a pretty much empty terminal. Crap, no Jaimenacho. So, I got back on the next tram and headed back to the main terminal.
There stood the Nacho, all by himself with a crap load of luggage and a concerned look on his face.
“Hey Jaime!”
“Hey!!!”
“Sorry it took me so long, I got lost…”
“That’s ok, let’s go.”
So, we jetted back to the motor home. Hung out for a bit, and went to bed kind of early. If I remember right, Jaime was pretty tired due to the flight, and the time change.
The next day we didn’t really do much. Jaime and I basically just tooled around Vegas looking at all the sights, occasionally throwing a coin or two into a machine. But it wasn’t all that exciting besides seeing the sights.
So, the next day we hit the road. We headed out to Zion National Park. One of the great memories of this trip was just driving. We had my Grandma’s crappy old Ford Tempo (or similar car…) we spent most of the time listening to the following on the stereo.
Low – If I Could Live In Hope
Beastie Boys – Ill Communication
Tori Amos – Under the Pink
Bark Psychosis – Hex
Those CD’s will be forever associated with that entire trip.
Zion was nice, but kind of uneventful. The fun really started to kick in once we got to Bryce.
Bryce was not only where Yarn James decided he was going to get himself stuck on the rafter above the pool. But it was also where we had a pretty funny moment with Marco.
Jaime and I liked to tease Marco. He was 10, and although he got to hang out with us a lot, and in general was a pretty cool kid, they were times where he would get on our nerves. And Jaime was particularly harsh when it came to teasing him.
There is a video somewhere that shows Jaime, Marco, and I walking to the little “town” near Bryce. On the way was a petting zoo. We just filmed the goats, and laughed at how funny they looked.
Then we went to the tourist trap gift shop, and proceeded to laugh at the crappy crap they had in there. We then decided to head over to the little diner. We were all going to get a snack there, and Marco decided on a strawberry milkshake. I don’t remember why, but Jaime decided to just get on Marco’s case the whole time while he ate the shake. It was kind of funny, but also, Jaime took it a bit too far and was being a bit of a jerk at one point.
Later on when we went to Bryce and watched the sunset, Yarn James proceeded to keep walking in front of the camera, and doing little jigs. This too is on videotape.
From Bryce we went to Page Arizona. The home on the Navajo, and our experience was with UNFRIENDLY Navajo. We went hiking in a canyon one day, some Navajo saw us, laughed, and called us “Milk”. Funny… we weren’t offended; we just laughed right back at them.
After Page, we hit the road to the Grand Canyon. It was very impressive. I remember distinctly, one night there Jaime and I grabbed the boom box we had, loaded it with “Hex”, and headed down to one of the outcroppings that extended out over the canyon. At the end was a nice flat area. We turned up the music, stared at all the stars, and talked for hours. By far one of the best outdoor experiences ever.
We went from the Canyon to Sedona, and then on to Phoenix to drop off my aunt. After Phoenix, we cruised up to Kingman Arizona to meet my folks. I remember Jaime and I stumbled into a very cool thrift store there that had shirts for $.25 and $.50 apiece. We bought a bunch; Jaime even scored a BART shirt that I believe is now MIA.
After Kingman, it was on to Vegas again, and the highlight of the trip. I will save most of the details for Jaime to discuss. But here are the basics. Jaime decided that the last night we spent in Vegas he was going to go out, have a few beers, and gamble. That was cool with me, he had hung out with me the rest of the time we were there, and I certainly didn’t blame him for wanting to experience Vegas at least one night. I remember at dinner my pop offered Jaime a Gin and Tonic, which he accepted. And as the night got late, I finally said I was going to bed, and Jaime said he was going to go out for a bit.
It wasn’t until the next morning that I saw the destruction that was Jaime. The next day we made a LONG drive through Nevada. With Jaime in the back of the car moaning for the first few hours…
“Ooooh I huuuuurt!!!”
Then I would mess with him…
“Mommy, can I pet the sick boy?” I would say, while poking Jaime in the chest or the forehead…
“Leave me alone!!! I huuuuurt!!!”
It was rad. I messed with Jaime for hours. I remember it wasn’t until late in the day that he started to function again.
We wrapped up the trip with a cool visit to Bodie, and then went home the next day. All in all… a great road trip.
