When it comes to music a lot of folks will probably say woman musicians have had a hard time getting the props they deserve for creating GOOD music, and have to work harder than most bands with male musicians do.  That may be true…but there is a very good reason behind it.  The reason is the 90s.  Once the evidence is presented you will have no choice but to agree with my theory that it was the fault of woman musicians in the 90s for setting the entire gender back musically for eternity.  Time and Vh1 will never let the world forget what woman musicians did to us…and we ALL suffer for it.  Any time some uppity lady asks you to do something you do not want to…bring THIS up…and tell them until you receive a formal apology from all woman for the 90s…you will NOT be doing those chores.

Paco, I think, already covered that HORRIBLE 4-non blondes song…and that song by itself could easily set back an entire generation of woman.  I’m surprised the government didn’t resend the 19th amendment after that  song came out.

Let’s start with Sophie B. Hawkins-  D**n I wish I was your lover.    My thoughts.  D**n, I wish you had left that  Chapterhouse drum beat alone…because you RUINED it, you’re also dressed like Larry the Cable Guy.  Nobody wants to be your lover…least no dudes.

Next  Sarah McLachlan- Angel.   Those sad dog commercial are ALL her fault.  She also started the Lilith Fair.   You know every time that Angel song comes on any radio station you die a little inside…and if you are with a woman who hums along to this song…a little part of you feels sorry for them, and goes…”Really…ugh.”

Lisa Loeb- Stay.   I hate this song with the fury of a million bombs. Don’t be fooled by the hot librarian looks…this song is horrible in all ways.  The video is beyond ridiculous. I can only assume she came home and her boyfriend had gotten fed up with all her BS whining and took EVERYTHING.  Now she’s stuck walking around in her dumb dress singing a horrible song.   I keep hoping at some point she’ll just jump out the window..spoiler alert: She NEVER does.

Joan Osborn- One of Us.  What if God WAS one of us?  Well, I’m sure he would be like SHUT UP this very minute.  That song might keep her out of heaven because God would be frightened she would sing it again.  People would LEAVE heaven to not have to hear that horrible song even one more time.  Wanna see any grown man thrown into a rage?  Play that song at the next stop light you find yourself sitting at.    Guns don’t kill people, people who listen to Joan Osborn songs do.  I heard that song come on Pandora once in a friends office…I left immediately.  I also think less of him as a human.

Do you see the epidemic we faced in the 90s?  And we are just beginning…You could make a mix tape of just the above songs and be dead before it finished.  Your soul would bleed out.  Let’s move on.

Exhibit 6

Celine Dion- My Heart will Go On….and on….and on….and on.  Wars were started over this song.  The recent CIA torture case, I’m certain has this song in it somewhere.  “I’ll TELL YOU WHERE THE BOMB IS…JUST STOP PLAYING CELIEN DION!”  I think Titanic would’ve been a far better movie had that song not been associated with it.  I think this song is SO bad, I’d argue Kate Winslet’s acting career was destroyed as a result of it…you can’t even look at her without hearing that stupid song.

Jewell-  who will save your soul?  I know what you’re thinking…gawd, this song was in the 90s too? YUP.   Jewel and her snaggle corn tooth were a 90s juggernaut of crap.   There’s not enough beer in the world to make this song tolerable.  Next time you hear it imagine her bean tooth singing it to you while you sleep.  Terrifying

Alanis Morrisette- You Oughta Know.  Angry woman anthem.  Would you even grab coffee with this woman…yeah you might go see a movie, but that’s IT.  I’ve noticed there’s a very Canadian vibe to a lot of these artists…makes me never want to live in Canada.   This woman has low self-esteem, made some bad choices in life…now regrets it and sings horrible songs to make us ALL sad to be alive.   What few people really know is the full song title is…”You ought know how bad life can be…so I’m going to sing to you for 3 minutes and forty seconds to make sure of it.  (I hate men remix)”

Sinnead O’ Connor-  Nothing Compares 2U–  Didn’t Prince write this song? If he did, I bet he regrets letting this hag sing it.   THE ONLY THING that even kind of redeems this song is Antonio’s stirring rendition of it at Karaoke in Portland many years ago.  THAT’S IT.  This song is so bad, that when I hear it I just think of Antonio’ singing it…his version is more tolerable.

TLC- Waterfalls–  F**k this song so hard.  Please go back to the lakes and rivers you are used to…go anywhere. If I NEVER hear this song again EVER, I’ll still be miserable dreading the small inkling of a chance I MIGHT here it at a shopping center in Muzak form.   If my kids played it at their wedding for any reason, I’d disown them.

Hanson- Mmmmbop-  I know, these aren’t women, but they might as well be for the crimes against the male species for impersonating high school girls.  I saw them on TV a few years back, and they were kind of normal people…and that saddened me as I wanted to hate them forever.

EnVogue- My Lovin’ (you’re never gonna get it)  Hate this song.  You know right now  your mind is looping that. “No you’re never gonna get it, NOT THIS TIME…you never gonna get it…MY LOOOOVIN.'” over and over…it’s like a virus, once it is inside you it could flare up at any point.   I would bet every human has had this song go into their brain at some random time during their life, and ruin them for a brief period of time.

“Where did THAT come from?  Why are you in my BRAIN ENVOGUE?!?….Never gonna get it…No you never gonna….ARRGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!”

There are EnVogue posters in the bathroom of hell.  I promise you.

I can’t write much more because even writing this is forcing me to sing along to all of these songs in my head, and now I have a migraine, and I’m angry.  I’m angry at life for having made me sit through any of these songs at any point in my life.  I’m sad for life as most of the above spawned Lilith Fair..that’s a crime of humanity worth a trial alone.

If the list above isn’t sufficient evidence at how awful female musicians were in the 90s…Let me, in passing, mention a few of the other things the 90s produced.

Spice Girls.  Brittany Spears. Da Brat.   Mariah Carey…and That I will always love you song from Whitney Houston…yup, 90s.   This list of music might easily be the WORST music EVER made. We’ve been good about doing some challenges here on MAL.  I challenge everyone to do this.

Take each of the songs from above, and make a spottily playlist with JUST these songs…then see how long you can stand it.  You must listen to the playlist 2x through for it to count…everyone can stomach the song the first time through to an extent…we lived through the entire decade.  It’s the second play through that will ruin your life.   I don’t think I can do it personally.   Though if everyone is up for the challenge, I’d certainly try.

 

No I wouldn’t