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Last night I made a late night run to the .99-cent store to get snakcs for a movie I was watching with my wife. The .99-cent store, while not my favorite place to go on any circumstance is a great place to gather up snack items on the cheap.

Any venture into the heart of the .99-cent store is one that is best done with speed in mind. The longer you spend roaming its aisles, the greater the chance you will see something that will hurt you mentally. I go in there with tunnel vision- Find what I need, grab it, pay for it, leave.

I made the first grab quickly, successfully- popcorn. The second grab was a little more challenging as the ‘Big Cherry’ bars were hidden under some other candy, but I grabbed those as well. My third mission was to grab something to drink…although, if it took too long, I’d just assume get out and have water at home. I scurried down the beverage aisle, and then my eyes saw it. In retrospect, how could I miss it…it’s GI-NORMOUS. It’s funny how certain things catch your eye, and then trigger memories. For the most part I have forgotten about the Dr. Imposter mission..but as soon as I see one, it floods back instantly.

When I saw Dr. Stripes sitting on the shelf my first thought was. “I’m buying that.” Then My second thought was, “Has anyone reported on this yet? Is this what Eduardo got?” (Thankfully it wasn’t) I grabbed the bottle, and went to get in line. I noticed rather quickly, Dr. Stripes is no pansy. He’s every bit of 3-liters. In fact, the W.T. behind me even commented, “That bottle is bigg’r dan a baby.”

Yes. Dr. Stripes is huge. But if you’re representing the U.S. and A….you have to be big. Dr. Stripes size was intimidating, but what about the taste? I purchased Dr. Stripes, wrapped him in plastic and headed home.

Dr. Stripes was warm..99-cent only stores don’t have huge coolers in which to store such a massive soda bottle. I should have waited for him to cool down before enjoying…but he’s huge, so that would have put my report off a whole day…and well, when you’re sitting on the gold that IS Dr. Stripes, dare I say, I had to partake stat.

I grabbed a goblet, because we all know, the finest imposter Dr.’s are all served best in fine glassware. I turned the cap. Dr. Stripes hissed at me, followed by Dr. Stripes spitting his guts all over my countertop. Dr. Stripes is a rascal. It must be good…so good Dr, Stripes is willing to fight to prevent his enjoyment.

Finally, after a few more minor eruptions I was able to pour a glass of Dr. Stripes. Dr. Stripes tastes like a watered down Mr. Pibb. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t really good either. I had a couple goblets full, in oreder to get an accurate tasting…and put the rest in the fridge. Dr. Stripes may be enjoyed best when served cold. I’ll know more tonight. I’m just thankful we live in a patriotic country, where Dr. Stripes can be displayed proudly in supermarkets.

This is our country.