smoothie_warning

I spend a lot of time in the car these days, mostly due to my long commute. I usually keep plenty of stuff to listen to on my phone, but I also listen to the radio pretty often. I don’t have Sirius XM or anything fancy (yet), so I usually tune in to whatever I can find on AM or FM that’s worth listening to.

Radio ads are almost always annoyingly cliché, super repetitive, scam-based, or all three. About 25% are for Viagra or “all natural herbal Viagra alternatives”, while there are also plenty for tax relief attorneys, mortgage specialists, and insistent demands that you LOCK IN THIS ULTRA-LOW FIXED-RATE TODAY.

Not surprisingly, another significant portion of the radio advertising pie consists of weight loss ads, almost invariably for “all natural herbal supplements” that require “no exercise or change of diet”. If they are to be believed, these astounding products will turn a lethargic 500 pound slob into a slim, fit, sexual dynamo in just a few short weeks. Eating right and getting moderate exercise is for chumps!
Depending on the time of year, it sometimes seems like every other commercial is for one of these. The frequency increases leading up to the holidays, for somewhat obvious reasons.

Because these weight loss ads are less commonplace during the summer, a new one I heard for the first time the other morning caught my attention. The guy was saying something about how their new smoothie system is “a surgery-free alternative to expensive bariatric surgery like the LAP-Band®“. Excitedly, he insisted that “this is like nothing you’ve seen before”, and that their innovative smoothie system will change your life. Then came the clincher:

“Our special patented smoothie formula suppresses your appetite by expanding to thirty times its original size once it’s in your stomach. You don’t feel hungry, and there’s no room for food anyway!”

By this point I was cracking up. I was instantly reminded of the Colon Blow ad from Saturday Night Live years ago. Obviously, this was a joke… Right?

But no, it wasn’t. The guy kept going on about how to order and everything, and it became apparent that it wasn’t a joke. I continued driving, pondering what I’d just heard. Did he really say THIRTY TIMES its normal size?!? How quickly does this happen? How could you not explode, or involuntarily pump out a six-foot smoothie stool?

These questions, and many others like them, remain unanswered. I didn’t catch the name of the company or the product due to my surprise over the outrageous description, but will keep an ear to the airwaves in hope of learning more about this game-changing product.