When toilet paper was invented it served one purpose, wiping one’s dirty rear.
As toilet paper became a permanent part of culture, it wasn’t too long before the youth of America adopted it as a way to express themselves.

Toilet paper is lightweight, and comes in roll form. It can be held in one spot, and wrapped around object, making them appear much like a mummy. TP can be thrown on roofs, over tree branches, and draped on bushes. Toilet paper is cheap. 10 rolls of toilet paper, a warm Redding night, and a house with a lot of trees, and any Redding teen could be a young Christo.

I was no different.

At the age of 12,13, and 14 there isn’t much to do in Redding. You can’t drive. Your friends can’t drive. Parents are a little hesitant to drive you places at night and drop you off. You’re stuck…at home. In our subdivision, sleepovers were the popular remedy for weekend boredom. Someone was always staying at someone else’s house. Pecos at my house, I at his. The both of us at Aarons.

Someone was always at someone else’s house.

There wasn’t a lot to do at night when you stayed at a friend’s house. Once it was time for bed, you either slept, or snuck out.

We always snuck out.

Westwood village was a wonderful place to sneak around in at night. The people were friendly, and there were no thugs roaming the streets. All in all it was a very safe place to walk around. That being said, we still hid from cars if we saw one. While the people in the neighborhood were friendly, they weren’t happy with kids wandering their streets at 2am. So keeping out of a cars line of site was a frequent part of sneaking out. Actually, it was most of the excitement of sneaking out. That adrenaline rush you got from hiding from cars.

Sometimes hiding from cars wasn’t enough, we’d decide we would toilet paper a house, or two, or three.

We’d spend weeks stashing toilet paper at our respective houses until we had many, many rolls. Then on the night of the sleepover we’d combine our collections into one mighty arsenal.

One particular night Pecos and I slept over at Aarons. We liked to stay at Aarons for a couple reasons. Aarons’ house was easy to sneak out of, and his outside gate was quiet when opened. His parents also always let us sleep outside.

About 12:30am we’d get out of our sleeping bags, grab the TP from our overnight bags, and slip out the gate.

This particular night we had about 30 rolls of TP we’d been accumulating for several months at our disposal. We had scouted the subdivision earlier in the day, and picked the 3 houses with the most trees and bushes. The houses also were close to Aarons, and usually had a kid that we didn’t like living there too, which was an added bonus.

House by house we began the mummification process. 30 rolls of toilet paper went a long way. In the span of about an hour and a half, we covered the three houses, then we had an odd thought.

Aaron’s dad was a cop; he got up for work at about 2:30am. He would see these houses wrapped like cocoons as he drove to work. We would instantly be suspects. To remedy this, we decided we should put some toilet paper on Aaron’s house too, to make it look like the same vandals had hit them. We didn’t want to put too much on his house, because it would be US who would have to clean it up.
We placed about 4 or 5 strips of TP in Aaron’s tree (low enough we could reach it), and one or two on a bush. If we were confronted about why their house had so little TP, and the others SO much, we would say we caught the kids in the act, and ran them off.

Sure enough, after we had finished, and gotten back in our bags Aaron’s dad got up and left for work.

He returned about 5 minutes later, And paid us a visit in the back yard.

“SO guys, been toilet papering some houses tonight?” he asked.

“UHM no, we got toilet papered too” we said, “We chased them off though.”

“I see….”, it was really obvious he wasn’t buying our story. “Well, why don’t you boys do the neighborly thing, and go clean up those houses.”

“But- we didn’- uh- do” Aaron reasoned

“It doesn’t matter, if you want to continue having friends over, you’re going to go clean up that mess. If I see ANY toilet paper left when I get home tomorrow, you’re grounded.”

This was him basically saying, I know you did it, just clean it up, and be happy I’m not telling the people about it.

Reluctantly we got out of bed, and went to clean up our mess. It took forever. We had gotten the houses very good. TP was 30 feet up in trees. There was a lot of climbing involved in removing it. An hour or two passed and we had a HUGE pile of toilet paper in Aaron’s driveway.

“What’re we gonna do with THIS?” Pecos asked.

“It’s too big to all fit in the trashcan.” Aaron said

“Maybe if we wet it down, it’d fit better.” I offered

This is when we got a new idea. We took the toilet paper, and hosed it down until it was a large wet mass. We took the pile and carried it to the next street. It was heavy. It took all three of us to lift it.

When we got to the first house on the street, we walked the drenched pile of a*s paper up to the doorway. 2 feet from the door we gave it a 1-2-3 and heaved it at the door.

SSSSSSSSSSSPLAT. It stuck.

We each grabbed a few handfuls of the soaked paper and hurried off. We spent the remainder of the evening hurling toilet paper wads at people’s houses and windows. It was far more enjoyable than toilet papering had been.

CAUGHT

I had a friend, Phil Perry. Phil lived in a different subdivision. I would stay at his house sometimes, and we’d sneak out and roam his subdivision, like I did mine. One night we got the idea to Toilet paper a house down his street.

As usual, we snuck out sometime passed midnight. We grabbed our toilet paper rolls, and hurried to the target. We began wrapping the house in a sea of Charmin. The house had a lot of bushes, and trees, so it was really fun. Phil had gone up towards the front window to wrap a tree, while I wrapped the hedge along the roadside.

As I was working I noticed a little dog nipping at my feet.

“Get out of here dog.” I whispered.

It kept coming at me…growling and barking. Think Benji with an attitude. That’s what I was dealing with.

“GET OUT OF HERE FU*KIN’ DOG!” I said louder, kicking at the aggressive mutt.

After a few more derogatory comments, and kicks in the dog’s direction I heard something.

It sounded like someone shaking a maraca right behind me.

Puzzled, I turned around to see a man with no shirt, wearing jeans, pointing a gun right in my face.

I was scared sh*tless. It was obviously a BB gun, but still it was pointed at my face.

“What’re you think yer doin’?” he said.

“Uhm, nothing…having some fun. These are friends of ours” I said lying.

“You’d better clean this sh*t up, you liddle’ fu*ker…or I’ll shoot you. And if you kick mah dog again, I’m gonna kick you.” he said.

I motioned for Phil to get out of the bush he was hiding in, and come help me. He did, and we proceeded to make record time removing the toilet paper from the yard. The guy stood there with his weapon resting on his shoulder the whole time, supervising us, to make sure we didn’t miss anything.

“Ah see you out here again, I’ll just shoot first, and not be so nice”

We finished the cleaning job, and went back to Phil’s. We snuck out of his house other times, and walked around. We always made sure to steer way clear of that guy’s house.